I’ve been cleaning like a mad woman. Dave is gone this weekend and it’s just me and the girls. And I keep on cleaning. Then I just had a meltdown. Crying, internal heart breaking. Just got on facebook and saw pictures above taken of Frankie today. This was him in his day today May 2nd, 2009. As I wiped another blind there he is and in an outfit I bought him.
Yesterday 2 couples adopting from Heartline went to Haiti to visit their precious kids. These are the same people I was with this past January on my trip to see Frankie. Today they are back visiting again. I’m so thrilled they are there. Spending time with our kids is priceless. I just have this huge gasp in my heart that is irrational at best I know but today, Frankie is seeing all the same people that were there when he last saw me and I can’t shake the fact that I’m not there for him. Like he’s looking for me and I’m not there. I know he’s 2 and he probably has no clue that I’m missing but I just can’t shake it. I just “want” him to know that we love him. That he has a mom and dad and sisters who don’t ever escape a day without saying his name.
Dave and I are hoping to get to see him this fall. But for today I once again have underestimated the rawness of the wait. Waiting. What is the definition of that word anyway? Today for me it’s the deep inner longing of something that you can’t attain. I grieve too. I grieve the moments I am missing. I grieve seeing his journey in pictures. Pictures, a priceless gift yet the reminder of a grieving heart.
Frankie as you can see above is happy. He’s safe, secure, loved, well taken care of. I just long for the day that our family is providing all those things for him each day. We knew from day one that this journey would be long. I get that. But I’m still getting the waiting thing. I don’t think I’ve figured it out yet.
Oh girl. I feel your pain as I read your post…wondering if he’s wondering where you are. There are so many things that he doesn’t understand or think, yet. I know you are thankful for that. I pray that he never has to wonder where you are, but that he will join his family and feel secure and loved (by y’all) very soon, and for the rest of his life. It’s worth the wait. I love you.
Please know you remain very close in my prayers. Frankie is such a handsome boy! He’s so blessed to have parents like you and Dave as well as big sisters who will learn to trust God in a unique way as they wait for the day when they will finally meet their sweet brother!
Just stumbled across your blog and as a mommy waiting for her little guy to get out of IBESR, I understand the “rawness” of waiting. It is so much harder than I ever imagined- he is the first thing I think of in the morning, the last thing I think of as I’m closing my eyes at night and fills most of my thoughts during the day. I don’t know how many times I can go to Haiti and come home without him.. And I don’t know how long I can be this stuck- it feels like I am waiting for life to begin… Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! my thoughts and prayers are with you…